MOVIES THAT MAKE ME PEE MYSELF...

If you, like me, absolutely LOVE Halloween and the bounty of horror films it bestows us, well, then this has been a great week for you. But as I was sitting in my cave last night flipping between "Jeeper Creepers" and "Hellraiser," I thought to myself...why not create a list of the best horror flicks.
So today, care-of Alternative Mornings, I give you...
Bart's Top Nine Bed Wettingly Scary Movies:

LURCHING AND DROOLING IN AT No. 9...
THE MODERN ZOMBIE TALE...28 DAYS LATER
Now, I LOVE zombie movies and flesh eating flicks like Dawn, Day, or Night of the Living Dead could've gone here, but I went modern with 28 Days. The best part? THESE zombies can run.

SCRATCHING AND CLAWING ITS WAY TO NUMBER 8...NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET...
Remember when Freddy Krueger was scary?
Yeah, me too.

SINKING ITS FANGS INTO OUR NECKS AT NUMBER 7...SALEM'S LOT.
A buck-toothed lead vampire. Creepy, floating kids pawing at your window. And a star turn from "Starsky and Hutch's" David Soul. What's not to fear?

SNIPPING OUR FINGERS OFF WITH A PAIR OF PLIERS AT NUMBER 6?
SAW.
Inventive, and darker than the oil in my 1985 BMW, Saw is seriously effed up.
Which, of course, is why we love it.

GNAWING ON YOUR ENTRAIL AT NUMBER 5...EVIL DEAD 2.
Perhaps the only flick in cinema history that can make you throw up and laugh out loud in the span of 10 minutes. The most fun you can have while having the holy hell scared out of you.

CIRCLING OUR BLOODY STUMPS AT NUMBER 4...DUH-DUH....DUH-DUH...
YEP...JAWS...
When I was four years old I went to see this movie for my birthday. I didn't even make it through the opening credits before having to be carried out screaming by my mom. This movie didn't scare me...it SCARRED me.

FORCE FEEDING US LETHAL TINS OF SPAGHETTIOS AT NUMBER 3...SEVEN.
If you don't cringe and clinch your nether regions at the mere thought of the "Lust Murder," well, you need to seriously question the final resting place of your eternal soul.

JERKING AND TWITCHING OUT OF THE TELEVISION AT NUMBER 2?
sA TIE, ACTUALLY....THE RING AND THE ORIGINAL JAPANESE VERSION OF "THE GRUDGE"...
I'm not sure exactly when raven-haired, herky jerky asian girls became so terrifying, but I'm pretty sure it begins here. A little story: I was on assignment in LA and watched this for the first time on my in-room television. Alone. In the dark. About 15 minutes in, shortly after the first death...my phone rang. If you've seen this one before, you know why I watched the rest of the movie with every available light in my room turned on.

AND FINALLY...ON THIS HIGH HOLY HOLIDAY OF GHOULS AND GOBLINS...
THE MOST BET WETTINGLY TERRIFYING MOVIE OF ALL TIME...ACCORDING TO ME?
YOU KNOW THEM WELL....MICHAEL MEYERS...LORI STRODE...DR. LOOMIS...
THE MOVIE THAT SPAWNED THE MOST MEMORABLE NIGHTMARE OF MY CHILDHOOD..."HALLOWEEN."
The most successful indie movie of all time. And did you know that Michael's mask is just a William Shatner mask spray painted white? Or that, in the closing credits, Myers is billed only as The Shape?
Whatever. It's not important I guess. All that matters is the exquisite feeling of dread director John Carpenter created with this film. A slow moving, deliberate merchant of death. An ill-lit arena for the blood letting. A chilling backstory. And a soundtrack that, on its own, can still make me reach for the light switch.